Original Post: When Darkness Was Attractive
Reflection and repetition go hand in hand like peas in a pod because they can lead one down the contorted paths of neuronal plains most people call thoughts. However, sometimes you come across a thought that literally BLOWS your own mind noodle to bits! So down the rabbit hole we go…
(TLDR; my life=LOTR)
23 years of my life was spent being crushed underneath a proverbial boot that intended on forcing me to adopt an artificially created identity or take my breath away as a result from nonconformity. A.k.a. my biological mother was a malignant narcissist who spent all of that time shaping and molding my identity in order to enslave me. Well that sounds preposterous and outlandish! Ya might want to rethink that once I’ve shared these details.
It is perfectly reasonable to associate the title of “mother” with the words warmth, comfort, security, compassion, nourishment, acceptance, belonging, and love. Although this is highly generalized (regardless of how many grains of truth are present), so it’s also logical to assume the opposite exists somewhere in nature. One does not have to look far because my own Narc Mater repeatedly chastised, ridiculed, shamed, threatened, and violated her own children at every turn. To me that’s just how life was, so I took the abuse with a smile until a friend introduced me to the mental illness most commonly known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Ladies and gentlemen, my “loving” biological mother.
You’re so weird. You’re so lazy. No one would want to listen to that. You need to trim your hair. Don’t wear those clothes. Stop talking about “x” (screams and gives evil eye). SILENT TREATMENT. I’ve never spent this much money at a grocery store! I could see you joining a group like ISIS. Sometimes I think life would have been easier if I never met your father. I just don’t want you to turn out like your father. (crocodile tears)YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!!!!!!!
Well my dad wasn’t any better because he was a depressed alcoholic who failed to ascend to Valhalla. Scratch that – my father committed suicide because my mother kicked him out of the house upon trying to rape one of my sisters in a drunken state. Now the fun didn’t stop there since he proceeded to stalk my family for three months, during which he would drive around the block, show up unannounced, call frequently and leave deafening messages saturated with cries for acceptance, and then the inevitable I’m just going to kill myself so everyone can enjoy their lives!
Just writing this is challenging, but I MUST push on.
Well my father was discovered behind the wheel of his car in a nearby cemetery with a burnt cigarette-butt nestled between his fingers. He overdosed on pharmaceuticals, and that was the end of his tale. But for me it was only the beginning since the torch passed from father to son. I.e. I was next on the menu or chopping block. Either way you look at it, I wasn’t in a good place.
Long story short, my biological mother programmed me to believe I was my father incarnate. Even schmucks like Joseph Goebbels understood that if you repeat an untruth enough it will become truth. So she drilled me to fight against an illusory-filled current that sweeps any who dare challenge it. Why? Simply because there is nothing there to swim against, so one wastes their time and energy focusing on menial tasks that prohibit their ability to enjoy their lives to the fullest by actually placing their attention where it should be – personalized growth and development. But breaking away allowed me to do just that…
So how does Lord of the Rings relate to my story? Well we’ve already covered how Sauron was a malignant narcissist who used a combination of deceit and force with the intention of literally consuming the entirety of Middle Earth. I.e. submit and suffer, or die a painful death. Hmmm this is starting to sound familiar…
Sauron excels at manipulating those around him to the point he even turns sentient beings into unquestionably obedient servants like the Nazgûl who used to be men, but were turned from having lost their identities. Narcissists (psychopaths too) excel at manipulating individuals or entire groups of people to work for them without even realizing they’ve been enlisted as an accomplice by the hands of a psychological murderer. Oh boy did my biological mother enjoy pulling the triangulation card! Just to give you an idea of how exceptionally gifted and trained she was, get a load of this.
We attended a joint counseling session with a therapist that greatly supported my intention of healing from the freshly cauterized wounds my papa left me. Although, this meeting involved matters related to smoking weed, trying DMT, taking shrooms, and dropping acid which were all associated with my father’s alcoholism and lack of self-control in regards to acting fatherly (offering protection and guidance for love to anchor and permeate). Never mind the fact that I made the dean’s list the entire length I attended college, or how about being able to hold down two jobs (sometimes three) while handing my homework in on time? All of that while buying and eventually owning my first vehicle.
If you want to know why I took all of those entheogens, check out my book entitled Blessings from Our Mother. TLDR; I am not my father, nor will I ever be since we are two completely separate individuals who have experienced life from an entirely different set of shoes. Although that didn’t stop her from claiming I was an exact replica of my personal sperm donor.
This in turn caused me to naturally have an explosive outburst – i.e. she repeated that message so much that my body responded by hitting the arm of the chair I was anchored to because it wasn’t true, and this made me look like the crazy one. So my therapist literally started shaming me by pointing out how I would have been able to keep my cool if nothing was inherently wrong with my lifestyle choices. Never saw that one again.
My father didn’t overcome narcissistic patterns because he would not have married my mother and thus had me, much like Isildur choosing not to destroy the One Ring and Evil forever. He even recounted “All those who follow in my bloodline shall be bound to its fate…” So yep, I took the Frodo route! Otherwise I would have ended up just like my old man. Six feet under with a soiled image attached to my name. Why Frodo? Because all you have to do is add two E’s and one M to spell “Freeodom.” Just subtract the first letter O and you’ll understand where I’m coming from.
Now breaking away by completely severing ties (going No Contact) allowed me to “defeat” my own Dark Lord Mother, although the battles for my consciousness started revving up. The following clip depicts what one of those would resemble: Minas Tirith = my mind/life since everyone knows the mind allows one to manifest that which they desire (a.k.a. a life worth living) while Sauron’s forces represented my inner and outer critics that were programmed in my sub-conscious via prolonged trauma and neglect with the intention of keeping me in my place. I.e. unable to function.
How unable? Well I resorted to isolating myself by completely severing ties with everyone in my life because I was so paranoid and frightened that I would be continuously rattled by those around me, even though I chose to leave my family which meant that I had little to no support structure. It’s honestly not the best approach to life since any number of accidents could have happened that would have landed me on the streets or alongside my father. Thankfully we’ve turned that ship around since I actively engage anyone and everything in my community now, and it’s all thanks to the methods and techniques (the Rohirrim) I’ve laid out in my recently published book entitled Practical Healing: A Guide to Restore Your Life.
I’ll see a guy walking 20 feet away from me and wave to him if he happens to make eye contact with me. Why? Because I can. That and I understand how everyone and everything in the universe at large simply wants to be accepted and loved for its true nature, and this is simply not something that compels a narcissistic predator to respect boundaries. Obviously, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But I am so glad, utterly blessed, and filled with the desire to share my experiences and lessons with the world at large because I’m living the dream. I.e. if I can do it, then so can you.
Many blessings and thank you for riding alongside me to Valhalla. We’ll arrive both shiny and chrome…
Hey there, reader! My name is Aaron Carlisle and I wanted to thank you for stopping by my little corner on this side of Middle Earth. Life hasn’t been the easiest for me, and that’s true for anyone alive because all come here to learn. We all come here to develop, grow, and become the best self possible. Or we fail miserably and hopefully get another chance to take a crack at climbing Mt. Doom. Either way, you need not suffer to get to the peak. Check out my books and more at Aaron’s Lounge, and please follow me on Twitter to keep track of my ascent. Valhalla awaits…
Featured Image – Ian McKellen’s Lord of the Rings Pages