TL;DR: Narcissistic mother programmed my subconscious to accept abuse as love, isolation as the norm, and fear as the only state of living. Until I chose to wipe my mind of the faulty programs like – You’re weird! Which translates to “the world finds you repulsive.” Nowadays dysfunction junction is no longer my function. Cheers!
So I know I’ve already pissed off some Apple users, and that’s okay because to each their own. But more importantly let’s take some time to cover the similarities between PCs and our own meat bag we call a body because trust me when I say the parallels are too striking to dismiss.
Both a PC and a human being are comprised of numerous parts that work in sync with the intention of ensuring either can power up and get things done. Each runs on electricity and actively seeks to connect with a higher force that is all-knowing and invisible to the naked eye, and no two computers (humans) are the same (performance/appearance).
Now granted there are obvious distinctions between fleshy sacks of connective tissues and hardened electronic parts that most people wouldn’t be able to identify if they accidentally opened their tower’s side panel, although one must always look beyond surface details in order to fully comprehend and appreciate the capacity for parts to function so the whole can operate proficiently.
However, there are times in which the forces of entropy constrict an individual’s ability to thrive in the world at large. PCs can catch viruses, break down from general wear and tear, or even fall short miserably of achieving anything worthwhile when the operating system (subconscious) is corrupted. Now how does this occur? It happens whenever an individual exposes their mind, body, or spirit to any sort of dysfunction because it is safe to say that anything dysfunctional will rarely if ever produce stability and order.
I.e. good luck trying to accomplish anything on your PC if a virus prevents you from accessing the Start Menu. But the PC is present, isn’t it? Well yes, and you could say the same for a human being who has been subjected to years of abuse and neglect by those who were entrusted to provide them with security, comfort, and love. The body will be present, although the mind itself (operating system) will malfunction left and right.
But how? Well most people have little to no issue connecting with the world at large. In other words, average peeps rarely overthink interactions they have beyond the confines of their own meat bags. Although the same cannot be said for those who suffer from C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) since every waking moment can be a struggle.
I personally fought with this issue for years – most of which were spent wondering what the Hell was wrong with me since EVERY interaction left my head spinning faster than the hamster wheels would allow. Let’s use a general example so you can see where I’m coming from. (thoughts are italicized)
I arrived early at the gym to wake the mind noodle before starting my day, and the morning was pleasant enough that I figured I’d be okay. However I noticed an elderly couple walking towards me when I suddenly averted my gaze from their general direction. Just keep walking and finish what you came here to do. Phew! I made it safely past them without having to interact, so it looks like today will be alright after all.
Alright now we’ve gotta check in, so remember to say Morning before making a B-line for the pool area. I approached the desk and briefly made eye contact with the desk clerk before mumbling the word “morning.” “Hey there!” Please don’t ask me how my day is, just let me swim in peace. They could tell I wasn’t in a talkative mood (the usual), so I quickly sauntered off towards the changing rooms.
Uggh look at all of the people here! You’d think people would be in bed at this hour. Just look forward and put one foot in front of the other. Finish what you came here to do. People walked past me and I acted as though they didn’t exist. Why should I open up to others if no one is willing to open up to me (ironic, I know)? Within minutes I found myself in close proximity to the older gents who were walking about entirely nude without a care in the world. Don’t say anything.
Oh there’s John! Just make your way to the pool. Besides, he didn’t see you so he won’t miss talking to you. I threw my shorts on and quickly made my way to the pool even though I started worrying about whether or not certain lifeguards were working their shifts since we hadn’t interacted with them the last time we swam. Do you think they noticed? Not that it matters because they’re not apart of your life anyhow. Just swim and finish what you came here to do.
By this time I passed the lifeguards without acknowledging them, although I noticed they seemed upset that I didn’t say anything to them. You don’t owe them anything, so just let it go. They’ll be fine. At that time my thoughts and feelings did not align as hypertension overcame me. All of a sudden I felt isolated and wanted to cry. Don’t open up! Stop feeling sad and just do what needs to be done. You’re here to swim, not to make friends.
Although the pain soon became too much to bear as I sat there wondering if I would always be alone. I wish someone would just ask me how I’m doing. Maybe then everything will be okay. Hah! FAT CHANCE – you don’t know what they’re capable of, so just keep your head down and breathe. Tears started filling my eyes as I couldn’t hold them back anymore. Go home if you’re gonna cry, NO ONE wants to see that!
I arose from the waters and made my way past the patrolling guard, although I did my best to look away so I didn’t have to interact with them. Did you see their body language? They’re obviously mad at you now because you’re broken. They know you’re dysfunctional. They can smell how worthless you are. My heart was pounding so intensely at this point that I just wanted to get the Hell out of there! You’ll always be broken, so just get used to it.
I was home before I knew it, and I packed a bowl to ease some of the stress. There, there Aaron. Just smoke your weed and relax because it’s not like you can do much more than that. All you need in life is work so you have a roof over your head. People are secondary, so just keep your head down and you’ll do fine. Remember how much damage the others caused you? Do you really want to risk being hurt again? I took a hit and slowly came around, although the tears flowing from my eyes said otherwise.
At least I was home where no one else can see my pain. This is my burden to carry, and no one can understand what I’ve been through! Just keep going, there’s no need to change. Although I don’t understand why I have such trouble relating to others… (fin)
See what I mean? ISOLATION was produced from having been battered throughout my upbringing. This state of constant fear and discomfort will constrict anyone’s ability to function in the world at large, and my story is a testament to that notion. One cannot get along in life if they are unable to socialize. Why? Well we need each other because all have something to bring to the table. I severed any and all ties to my community at large because I was too afraid to open up.
Now was there anything I could offer the world at large? Yes, although I was about as useful as a doormat for narcissistic predators to dance around as if I were a roasted pig sprawled out across a bonfire. I.e. I had no boundaries (other than to isolate), and this would show up on their radar within seconds. It was all due to my programming! Narcissists and psychopaths LOVE their doormats because they’re so easy to walk on without having to lift too many fingers.
My narcissistic mother groomed me to fail by corrupting my subconscious (operating system) with faulty programs. However, one can always wipe their PC’s hard-drive in order to start with a clean slate. So nowadays I have no issues going to the gym. In fact, I go out of my way to acknowledge people because I now have the understanding that I was ignoring people much like my own parents ignored me throughout my childhood. Not to mention the fact that I realized I’m not repulsive to those around me, and these epiphanies have encouraged my mind to adopt new algorithms.
Goodbye days of isolation! I’ll never miss you because the present and future are too bright to dismiss so readily. I cannot express how blessed I am to be able to walk around without overthinking my interactions to the point I am overcome with hypertension or catastrophizing. As a matter of fact, it takes more effort for me to roll out of bed than it does to ask someone how their day is treating them. That ladies and gents is what I would call a complete turnaround!
Ladies and gents, the mind will produce what it is programmed to create…
Hey reader! My name is Aaron Carlisle and I’ve spent the past 23 years healing from narcissistic abuse and parental neglect. Thankfully I no longer struggle as much I used to, and each day gets a little easier the more I continue along my path. So thanks for stopping by, and be sure to stop by the Lounge before heading out! Comments and questions are most welcome…
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