A traumatic childhood does not make for lasting memories – at least the pleasant kind one enjoys reminiscing over while they’re out and about. After all, who wants to remember the worst things that have ever happened to them in life?
As for me? I’ve never been able to recall memories. It’s not bothersome in that I feel as though I’ve missed something since I tend to live in the present. Now dissociation used to be extremely problematic, although nowadays it only happens when I’m exhausted to the point I don’t care to stick around the physical.
I.e. resting in the confines of the mind noodle to catch a breather from the monotony of life. At least when the hermit within comes out to play.
But one thing that’s been on this writer’s mind noodle as of late is how dysfunctional I am in terms of relating to those around me. Why? Well I was raised by monsters, so it’s safe to assume I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sharing space with others.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been making progress! More time has been spent chilling with the kitty – telling him how much I appreciate having him in my life, how handsome, intelligent, and athletic he is. Even looking forward to experiencing his purrs and facial rubs. Encouraging as we go…
I’ve also been hanging out with with a good friend and his family more – noticing things like how much it means to a kid for one to show interest in them, as well as how often kids reach out to to be close with their caretakers. Fascinating and wonderful to behold!
Kudos considering those weren’t even things back in the day! But more still needs to change because I still notice things every now and then. Ya know – behaviors and thoughts that just scream THIS GUY WAS RAISED BY A NARCISSIST.
So with little to no memories to work with, we turn our attention to the present. I used to hate showing any relation to the monsters that raised me, but thankfully I’m more accepting nowadays because I understand that it’s not my fault for being raised in the manner I was. Buuuuuuut it’s my duty to fix what’s broken so I don’t continue the cycle my own parents subjected me.
Now what exactly does that entail? Entitlement. Expectations. Passive aggressive behavior. And probably more I can’t think of at this time.
What does it all come down to? I wasn’t raised to be gentle, kind, considerate, loving, or giving. All of which stem from love. Once again, it’s okay because it’s how I was raised. I’m just glad that today’s challenges involve me readjusting to the normality of life as opposed to struggling with emotional flashbacks all day, everyday.
Life is getting easier, and I’m just gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other as I learn to party without throwing turds in the punch bowl.
Do y’all remember your childhood, or does it just come in uncomfortable waves as things resurface? Maybe something else altogether…
Featured Image: Giphy