Howdy y’all! It’s been a while but that’s okay because the world has been turning even more so than she ever has, and thankfully too…
So what has this little hermit been up to? Well the last post, regarding Happy Days and the return to feeling grounded upon releasing emotional toxicity in the form of tears and grunting when utterly alone so as to not spook the locals into forcing me to wear a straight jacket before I even get a chance to make it anywhere in life, has only continued getting better because this little monkey has been making huge strides via epiphanies and behavioral changes alike.
What specifically, you make ask? Sure thing!
- I’ve been successfully recognizing narcissistic traits that prevent me from connecting with others (what can I say, I was raised by a malignant narc mother – ya know, mother knows best? Not in every case…) Such as expecting returns as opposed to giving unconditionally considering I’ve been blessed enough to share that which has been given to me with those who have suffered similar fates. Cause ya know what? It’s really hard to enjoy life when one gets all internally bummed when they say something to someone, don’t get a response, and then write them off entirely instead of allowing themselves to accept the reality of things. I.e. it’s okay to slow down and breathe before jumping to conclusions regarding another’s intentions.
Obviously this isn’t universal since narcissists, psychopaths, or even psychopathic narcissists (oh my) love to use silent treatment in order to cause an internal upset in their victim with the intention of evoking an externalized emotional response to make the victimized party look crazy in the presence of others. Or it could be used just to screw with people. Either way you look at it, it has the potential to cause harm to others. But then again, that’s where healthy boundaries come into play.
One must always be mindful of how they affect their environment (mind, body, spirit, others, things, etc.) in order to better recognize how and why their environment is affecting them. Everyone is capable of throwing turds in punch bowls, but there’s no reason to stick around those who repeatedly throw turds in your own. After all, this monkey has been known to throw turds (not literally, oh please let these be metaphors some of you may be thinking) because I was raised by a giant turd.
So this leads us to the second point: What I’ve been doing to change the script.
- I’ve been recognizing how beneficial it is to be gentle (even more so) with myself and those around me because life is hard as it is, which is hilarious because we pay to live on Mother Earth even though we already spend time and energy feeding ourselves, socializing, exercising, learning, developing, growing, screwing, suffering, grieving, healing, expanding, dying and so on…Yet we collectively submit our wills to the powers that “be” on a planet that sits in the middle of an entire sea of star clusters that happen to sit on the tail of an even larger community of bodies that emanate the only light within a void of darkness.
In other words, everyone is busy doing things because we can or we don’t know any better. That’s alright because I say humanity is a child considering Mother Earth birthed us, the Sun acts as a Father in that he provides guidance and comfort (it’d be hard to stay in orbit without the Sun’s gravitational pull, not to mention the fact life would be even tougher if his light didn’t reach our Mother so photosynthesis can take place to jump start the food chain and carbon cycle alike).
I.e. we are truly blessed as a species, yet we make life even harder than it has to be by smacking debt onto ourselves – debts that needn’t exist because they’d all be wiped from reality if servers crashed, papers burned, or people just came together and decided to welcome every life that was conceived in a loving manner (rape doesn’t count, and the child should be WANTED in order to increase the likelihood they will receive proper care and attention). Imagine a world where everyone was accepted, loved, and encouraged to cultivate their inner gifts so they could share them with the world and universe at large…
So I’ve been giving myself permission to breathe by nourishing my body when it hungers, drinking when it thirsts, resting when it tires, while turning the empathy up to the point
This change in mindset has allowed me to be kinder to myself which has encouraged my mind noodle even more to reject anything that is negative, critical, abrasive, or just plain ‘ole turdly because I’m not about that. I may have been raised to be dysfunctional, but I choose to create a life that is absolved of any ties to abuse, neglect, toxicity, and so on because I am a living being of sentience that has every right and privilege to enjoy the life that was given to me. And that ladies and gents, reigns true for you all too because your lives have value. Remember how rare life is? Don’t forget about that because it’s humbling.
So with recognition and reflection out of the way, we now turn towards the actions taken (examples).
- A friend of mine couldn’t get a hold of me on the phone because my service was disconnected, and he didn’t have any other way to contact me. So we missed getting together because of something that was beyond our control (yes I could have paid my bill on time, but I prefer to have a roof over my head and food in my belly – k? Mmkay).
- Now the mind noodle automatically went to the “he doesn’t want you in his life because he didn’t reach out to you” # that’s so fun to hear in your head, over and over until you finally decide to cut em out. But I literally told myself to breathe, chill, and take the initiative to reach out first which led to us realizing my unpaid bill prevented us from speaking as opposed to me pulling another Carmen Sandiego. (left everyone in my life because I was so paranoid…thanks CPTSD, my choice I know)
- The result? We missed each other this past weekend, but we planned to meet again later this week. Gee golly Batman! It sounds like everything worked out, and it did 🙂 So did I feel rotten while envisioning him giving me the boot? Of course because my momma (the turdly one) always taught me I was repulsive to the world at large. I.e. I expected people to reject me outright for just being me. That’s when I put my foot down and said screw it! I want to hang out with so and so…and we spoke.
Now what if he didn’t respond? Here’s the mindset: I’ll reach out and I’ll get a response if we’re cool, but if not then that’s okay because I may have done something to upset him even though I’d prefer he tell me. But then again everyone is fighting their own battle in life, so I’ll just pick myself up and keep moving myself forward as I always have.
I’m just grateful I was able to spend time with him, and I’m thankful for all he’s done for me in the past. But you know what I’d really like? For him to be in my life so I can add to his because I enjoy his company and likewise value his friendship. So needless to say, I’m glad I made it here because I successfully didn’t cut someone out entirely because the mind noodle’s faulty programming encouraged me to do so while I act on it without giving the matter a second thought. We don’t always have the answers…
On another good note, I’ve been making eye contact with everyone. Even the ladies! I can’t express how wonderful it is to be able to smile and say hello to all I meet, irrespective of whether or not they greet me in kind. Not to mention the fact I can look at the opposite sex and think Ooh she’s cute! Instead of thinking
So it’s just a matter of time until we find love or love finds us. Why? Because once you open yourself to receiving love, you’ll get it. But it’s damn near impossible to receive that which you unconsciously run away from…
In any case, here’s to making it beyond what we ever imagined.
Ladies and gents, let’s explore A Whole New World…
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