Boundaries are essential to maintain one’s sanity and well-being in a universe that is comprised of numerous parts that amazingly function together even though the end result of said relationships isn’t always pleasant to witness. Thus it is vital that one only accepts and invites that which empowers, supports, comforts, nourishes, and ultimately loves one for who they are, along with where they are going.
Recently I mentioned how I reached out to an estranged family member with the hope of developing some sort of emotional connection, but alas they simply displayed a sense of distrust coupled with the dreaded confusion produced from me having reached out to them after a year of silence. So it goes…
Well I told them, rather than push myself back into their life so as to make them more uncomfortable, to look at my texts as me stopping by to say hey. Nothing more, and nothing less. Once again I didn’t want to exert myself into their life if they weren’t receptive to me doing so.
A week or so passed and they messaged me this last Saturday with a series of jumbled messages explaining how they failed me, they were sorry, and they fiercely loved me.
Well that sounds pretty good! Minus the fact they continued questioning why I reached out in the first place, along with the notion they’d be “reporting the conversation.” Whatever the hell that means…(and I’m being facetious because I know exactly what that means, so we’ll get to it in a sec)
Now I immediately felt nauseous since both my head and stomach started churning as though I just downed a toxic elixir, and that told me exactly what I needed to know in regards to how I would handle the situation that apparently blew up in my face.
Although I did meditate as I saw black cords swirling around my body, while some pierced my spine as if they were hooks tearing into the back of a newly captured fish. Jesus H Christ – what sort of meditation is that? (some of you may be asking) It’s called recognizing energy currents that flow around one’s body after they’ve stepped in manure (toxicity). Another way of putting it – the aftermath of having someone throw a turd in your punchbowl. No one likes a turd sammich! (no spelling errors, move along)
In any case, I burned through the cords as they ripped off and away prior to disappearing in the dark void that surrounded me. I then noticed how the hooks sank into my being as I let out a sigh upon recognizing how I’d have to go deeper if I wanted to successfully get over the wonderful feels I was experiencing. So I tore off each layer of tissue until I got all the way to the bone marrow, and I burned through each layer as I managed to expunge any and all black residue from my being.
I.e. started with skeletal, then cardiovascular, respiratory, endocrine, lymphatic, neuronal, muscular, and so on. You could say I’m thorough…
So what was the result? Well let’s just say I felt A LOT BETTER. Seriously though, I felt like a million bucks because I was smiling and laughing after having felt as though I removed 800lbs of unnecessary weight from my 130lb figure. I even met up with my mom (divine mother, not the bio mater that abused and neglected me for 23 years before I jumped ship) who then proceeded to explain how I needed to let go of the old in order to make room for the new.
In other words, dysfunction junction is no longer my function. So I need to be mindful in terms of what I accept in my life because not everyone or everything has my best interests in mind. In fact, I asked (with a PLEASE) for this relative to respect my wish to remain anonymous. Yet they felt the need to say “I’m going to report this conversation.” To whom exactly? Oh that’s right, the individual who abused and neglected me for 23 years by consistently and repeatedly putting me down in word and action.
That woman LITERALLY, not metaphorically, compared me with my father on a regular basis after he committed suicide from having been kicked out of the house for drunkenly attempting to rape one of my sisters. Not to mention the fact he stalked my family before he drowned his system with pharmaceuticals, AND shook my identity to the point I was hospitalized twice, struggled with severe depression, isolated myself, and thought “at least I have one parent who’s still around and loves me.”
Wait, what? Well I was pretty confused because living under a malignant narcissist’s thumb for 23 years tends to blur the lines between love and abuse. This relative even read both of my books, so they at least have an IDEA of how that woman’s toxicity negatively affected me. But they’re going to “report” me as if they’re a member of the Gestapo, or better yet – they’re going to “report” me because they don’t respect my boundaries.
This is why it’s so vital to pay attention to how another (person, place, thing, etc.) makes you feel. Do they make you feel welcome? Do they fill you with warmth? Do they make you feel accepted? Do they fill you with comfort?
Or do you find yourself worrying about them? Do you find yourself feeling dreadful? Do you find yourself wondering whether or not you made a good decision? Do you find yourself reading empty words as you scratch your head in bewilderment as to how an individual would take the liberty of threatening to expose you to a known abuser on the basis they “fiercely love you?”
You see, words are simply words at the end of the day. This is why one must ALWAYS pay attention to what their body communicates because if it smells like a turd, feels like a turd, sounds like a turd, and looks like a turd, then it’s a sure bet that it’s a turd. No one has a right to drop a deuce in your punchbowl. Extend the same in kind and leave it at that because throwing turds back and forth can get pretty nasty…
So farewell and best wishes to you, former favorite relative! I have nothing good to say about your lack of consideration, which is why I’m simply leaving this message at take care and many blessings.
Featured Image: Giphy