Over the past couple of days, I’ve been reflecting on the experiences of frustration and disappointment in order to grasp (literally) a better understanding of how to properly align my mind noodle and chest thumper. Why? Some of you may ponder.
Well to put it simply, this monkey’s mind and heart have experienced great difficulty in connecting the dots in order to produce desired results. I.e. the mind and heart typically clash as if they speak entirely different languages altogether. The end result? Little gets done…
Now what exactly am I trying to accomplish? Well for lack of a better word – LIFE. Ya know the thing most people go about experiencing without spending too much time stumbling over themselves as they make connections, draw plans, and then put rubber to the road in order to manifest that which they desire?
So if that made sense then cool beans! If it didn’t on the other hand, fear not because I’m about to throw in some real life examples just because I can. Not to mention the fact I’d prefer not to put anyone to sleep with a seemingly ramblin’ bamblin’ spout of words vomited on a page without having made a point at the very least.
With that being said, suit up because we’re about to head down the rabbit hole once again!
As most of you know, my parents were giant turds who raised more turds (myself included). Now what does that mean? Oh it simply means that none of us were reared well enough to develop and grow in a manner that would allow each and every one of us to contribute positively to an already dysfunctional society.
Instead dysfunction junction reigned supreme and as a result none of us (myself included) were prepared to leave the nest without having to pull some hairs in order to figure out how to live effectively so as to not flood the bathroom floor via a backed up toilet. (some of you are thinking – this monkey sure does talk about the potty more often than not…)
Okay, okay! I.e. it’s hard for me (and I’m assuming it’s at least somewhat difficult for my estranged siblings) to function in the world when I connect so little with my inner workings that are comprised of emotional torrents and thoughts patterns. Look at that, no poop references! Oh I spoke too soon…
In any case, I started going to a local library within the past couple of weeks because they have free access to wifi. What? A man’s gotta blog, am I right? Well lo and behold there’s a really cute girl who works there! And guess what? She has most certainly showed signs of interest via body language – flipping of the hair, exposing her ear and neck, prolonged eye contact, getting quite giddy when I interact – at least that’s how it always starts…
My behavior? I don’t do anything other than awkwardly walk by after saying hi, or ask her how she’s doing when she’s close but then turn towards my computer screen as if an electronic has more to offer me than interacting with another living being (regardless of what the interaction entails since even talking about the weather is more stimulating than reading about the weather).
OR my favorite one of all – clearly noticing the signs that I have inadvertently sown the seeds of frustration and disappointment in her by not even taking enough time to reciprocate interest to garner her name AT THE VERY LEAST, and then asking her the question “are you having fun?” Now how do I know the gal is upset?
Oh I don’t know, maybe it has something to how she answered “oh, I’m having so much fun” (in the most jabby and/or catty manner possible). Remember the awkward walk? Well it turned even more awkward because I can tell she’s upset, so I resorted to staring off towards the ceiling if I happen to pass her in order to minimize the chance I’ll invoke the “oh dear lord this creeper needs to GTFO before he makes me feel even more threatened” inner dialogue. Now granted I could be throwing myself under a microscope, which I tend to do.
BUT I could also just be friendly and NOT put myself in these types of situations. So was I frustrated and disappointed regarding the slipping interaction? YES, YES, oh and uhhh YES. What about exactly? Did it have anything to do with “Oh man, how am I gonna get a date now?” Or “Oh jeez, I really don’t mean to cause her frustration but I completely understand and empathize with her.”
Ha! Recall how I mentioned the dissonance between my mind and heart? You see, a heart would FEEL. But a mind doesn’t have to… Oh no, my mind went straight to “I don’t understand why she can’t be satisfied with a simple hello? I mean Jeeeezus! You’d think my indifference wouldn’t affect her, but she’s obviously not mature enough to take what I have to offer.” (some of y’all be like “Surely you can’t be serious?”) Well…
Now hold on and let me make this clear before any thoughts pour into your mind noodles – I am completely in the wrong here because I could just be friendly and interact with another living being who has feelings, hopes, dreams, desires, fears, and so on as opposed to playing Mr. Roboto simply because my mind noodle has the ability to do so. (something I’m working on because I do NOT want to cause others harm, and I desire to LIVE my LIFE)
With that out of the way, have you guys and gals ever seen multiple cats hang out with each other? If you said yes, then you’ve also more than likely seen one get pissy which in turn caused the others to get pissy. Domino effect…
Well her frustrated tone was enough for my MIND to decide it had enough reason to completely shut her out. I.e. I got pissy and griped on the way home to the point I didn’t want to be around other people for the following couple of days. Now how ridiculous is that?
Well putting myself in timeout (essentially – I’m an introverted hermit who needs time to reflect) helped me understand what was going on because I was so frustrated at myself more than anything from knowing that I was playing out a dysfunctional pattern. I.e. there have been lots of fumbles with the opposite sex (literally the SAME experience).
So what did I do to calm down and level my inner playing field? Well for starters I verbally asked myself “what am I feeling right now?” That led me down the road to unveil the terms disappointment and frustration. Well that was pretty obvious! But get this – my MIND literally thought “I like to process feelings so I can release them.”
Now that ONE THOUGHT made me stop in my tracks and laugh to myself as I realized just how cold and indifferent it was to my own feelings. In other words, I can’t get emotionally involved with others if I can’t even get emotionally involved with myself! So then I tried meditating but I still resembled a flustered feline to the point I pulled out my phone to LOGICALLY understand what was going on. That’s right ladies and gents, a google search coupled with endless reading brought me back to center.
What did I Google? “Do women get frustrated when men don’t reciprocate interest?” Needless to say, they rightfully do if that male happens to flaunt some level of interest in their face. Not to mention the fact some men may get all bent out of shape if a lady doesn’t receive their advances – sometimes to the point a man will label a woman as stingy, uptight, doesn’t put out, etc.
Basically reasons that imply he’s needy, weak, and lacks enough confidence in himself to look at the situation in an entirely different way – that is to say “oh well, she’s missing out but I’m bound to run into someone who will be the Yin to my Yang!”
I.e. no one is in a position to put another down simply because they don’t have their desires fulfilled. So that means I have nothing against this girl, and I have no reason to hate on her because she’s worth more than that. Why? Oh I don’t know. Maybe it’s because she’s a human being I know very little about, and I am in no position to make her feel less than even if I did know her personally. In other words, I’m not butt hurt over the fact she hasn’t responded positively to my indifference.
So moving on (minor sidetrack) – I went to the pool that evening and ran into one of the kiddies who enjoys playing with me. Uhhh, Aaron? Don’t worry! It’s like a play session for my inner child to come out and enjoy the childhood he never experienced because I get to fetch sinking toys, play Marco Polo, and rescue bugs or spiders before they drown to show kids how cool the little creatures are so kiddies don’t have to fear them!
Plus, I get to empower the little ones with fist bumps, high fives, and sayings like “good job,” or “excellent work” whenever they accomplish even the smallest of feats because they deserve to develop their confidence at a time in their lives when I didn’t have the same opportunity. I might not be with them 24/7, but you can be rest assured I’m gonna see to it they enjoy themselves when I’m around. (translate that to adults…)
In any case, my kiddie friend went off to play with some Bros and the end result wasn’t that great because they made him cry multiple times. One Brosif in particular kept putting the him down by dismissing his tears and DISCOURAGING his accomplishments. I was already moody, and this guy gave me a reason to focus my frustration like a laser beam. So how did I react?
I told the kiddo the exact opposite of whatever Mr. Brosif was telling him. I.e. “you didn’t touch the bottom!” translated to “excellent work, I knew you could touch the bottom!” (9ft. deep end pool which is completely impressive for an eight-year-old to touch) This in turn caused Mr. Brosif to STFU and sit out on the sideline in his own little timeout. Good riddance! Needless to say my kiddo friend had a good time and didn’t cry anymore once I stepped in.
Being placed in a position to offer protection and encouragement helped take me out of my funk, but that funk still persisted into the following day until I made a realization that will really help me bridge communication between my heart thumper and mind noodle! What exactly was that? Well long story short, I experienced another disappointment and started to brush it under the table when I was inwardly prompted to acknowledge it. So basically the abridged version translates to this:
One must be honest with their emotional state and not deny their feelings in order to live in the moment, although they must also refrain from becoming stuck in that moment for it is only temporary. If one feels disappointment, then that feeling must be acknowledged in order to maintain presence. After acknowledging the feeling, one must then envision (think) about that which they desire and then verbalize that desire in order to bring about its manifestation.
I.e. it is difficult to see past an emotional flashback, upset, or discharge, although acknowledging the intensity of the emotional state is half the battle but will produce a sense of calm as opposed to fighting the existence of said issue. Once the calm is in place, one can better apply focus to reinforce their desires with corrective thought and the resulting action of having done just that. This will inevitably produce results in both short and long runs because once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way left to go is up…
So do I know what’s going to happen between the chica and myself? Absolutely not, although I keep thinking to myself that I’m going to apologize to her before snagging her name so I can greet her properly whenever I happen to use the library’s wifi (at the very least). I’m in no rush to start a relationship with another because I honestly don’t want to get feces all over them. Why? Well I know this is temporary and I still have things I must work on before I feel comfortable enough to find the Yin to my Yang! Plus, no one likes a turd sammich…
With that being said, here’s a laugh to clear up any emotional angst.
Don’t be a Biggus Dickus!
Featured Image: Giphy