For those who have suffered abuse, neglect, rejection, and so on:
I spoke with a gentleman the other day regarding past traumas concerning the manner in which his father reared him. At certain points his padre treated him less than by presenting the mannerisms of an angry god raining lightning and brimstone around his child’s ears, as opposed to consistently offering the one he brought into this world the comforts stemming from security, guidance, and protection.
Ya know, those things a loving father would offer their child irrespective of the circumstances handed to them by life because an adult SHOULD have the understanding that a child will not have the innate capacity to fully understand their role in witnessing a volatile reaction from their caretaker, regardless of how it came to be.
Now granted this man’s father suffered abuse throughout his own upbringing, and this simply caused the father to miss out on the aforementioned luxuries of security, guidance, protection, and ultimately love. This in turn negatively influenced the father’s proficiency in extending those qualities to those left in his care, although this is simply another example showing how dysfunction junction both easily and readily transfers from generation to generation.
Anyone can run with the program (that which was learned by the subconscious to be recognized as normal instead of toxic), although it would behoove all involved to completely dissolve maladaptive behaviors produced by fault-ridden thought patterns in order to resolve past issues. This in turn would create an environment from which new methods for thinking, behaving, and thus LIVING could be instilled for present and future descendants.
So this leads us back to the gentleman I spoke with, and how he fails to recognize his own inherent worth and value as a result from his caretaker’s efforts to raise him. In effect he puts himself down for experiencing difficulty in overcoming maladaptive habits that he identifies as “coping mechanisms,” and I simply asked him a question to determine how “bad” he truly is. Before we get to the question, it is important to cover the following.
A pattern will often show itself from those who have suffered abuse, rejection, and neglect in the form of self-hate, self-criticism to the utmost extreme, and an inability to forgive or accept one’s shortcomings while simultaneously acknowledging their inherent strengths. I.e. effectively kicking oneself when they’re already down…
What was the question? “Are you going around the world murdering and raping others?” His answer was (thankfully) a quaint “No,” and I then told him that he is okay for who he is. Now granted I also mentioned that I was in no way, shape, or form condoning his “coping mechanisms.” But more importantly I specifically pointed out that I am someone beyond him. Someone from the outside who was telling him that he is okay for being who and what he is.
So one method for healing from this pattern involves recognizing the fact that a child, or that which we all were at one point, does not choose to suffer abuse, neglect, or rejection. In fact, a child will often mistake them for love if they are not exposed to an alternative for long enough to recognize that which they are suffering is not the method from which to construct a valid pattern for living. I.e. be gentle with yourself if you aren’t 100% what you think you should be.
You are not alone. You are not repulsive. You are not dishonorable.
In fact, you are the opposite of your harshest criticisms.
Always know you are loved, accepted, and supported.
Even when the going gets tough. Even when you think less of yourself. Even when you want to blame yourself for all of life’s shortcomings.
Know that you are everything and more.
You can change your life for the better.
You can improve your experience in this life.
You can enjoy a life of fulfillment.
It just might take you more time than you’d prefer, but it is possible nonetheless.
Ladies and Gents, “It’s Not Your Fault“
Featured Image: Happier – Pinterest