CPTSD: Self-Hatred

Anyone who has suffered rejection, abuse, neglect, and so on for a majority of their life will more than likely share something in common. Now what might that be? A part of them will question their own worth and value considering they more than likely never received positive attention that empowered their existence, but rather suffered from the attention bestowed upon them via their caretakers.

Now I honestly don’t know much about my childhood because it’s all a blur, and the only memories I have were handed down from family members who would start by saying “do you remember when…”

Needless to say, I know it’s safe to assume that my childhood wasn’t filled with cupcakes, frolicking, and gentle warmth. So what’s the big deal with that, some of you may be asking? Well if one was never empowered throughout their development, it is highly unlikely they will develop a sense of value and worth in a world that has more than likely treated them with disdain ever since they exited the womb.

This in turn produces a situation in which the victim will have developed that which was named in the title of this post: Self-Hatred.

I.e. questioning why they should even exist in the first place considering how life has been nothing but a giant turd, however there’s an entirely different layer most may neglect to recognize. That is the notion a vulnerable child will most likely fail to realize their abusers are in the wrong. Instead, that child will redirect the blame towards themselves for being so inadequate and repulsive. Why else would their caretakers treat them with such malice?

Well it turns out I had a nasty thought swimming around the mind noodle which caused me to sabotage relationships, and the message was clear and profound when I stumbled upon it just the other day. Now some of you may recall my post Breaking a Habit, where I detailed how my mind was flooding itself with negativity in order to separate myself from another who has taken interest in me (and I in them).

Let it be known when one begins to uproot negativity, eventually the source will rear its ugly head so that they can thankfully dismantle the machine in its entirety. This in turn will allow one to move their focus onto other areas that require healing and empowerment because WE DESERVE TO ENJOY THE LIFE THAT WAS GIVEN TO US!

So what was the source of my little machine of relational deterrence? A single question – yet one that caused enough harm that it prevented me from developing any and all relationships. Here it is…

Why would anyone wish to invest in me?

Some of you might be thinking – bah humbug! That doesn’t seem too bad?!

Think again…

Let me ask you this, would someone who recognizes their own worth and value even waste time or energy pondering such a question? The answer is absolutely NOT because someone who values their life and recognizes their ability to succeed and achieve would already assume others would WANT to INVEST in them. No ifs, ands, or buts!

How did this come about? Well it honestly has everything to do with my past treatment and choices that have led me to where I am today. I.e. why would someone want to invest in someone who was abused and neglected for 23 years, raised by a depressed alcoholic father who attempted to rape one of his children along with a malignant narcissistic mother who in turn molded and shaped their offspring to be dysfunctional beyond imagining, and ultimately chose to sever any and all connections with family because dysfunction junction was too much to continue accepting?

That’s just the surface…

Now I could argue with myself until I was blue in the face from saying “I am worthy, I am lovable, I can love, I can succeed,” and so on. But all of that will be for not if my unconscious mind doesn’t accept such notions with that contradictory question “why would anyone wish to invest in me” floating around the mind noodle. So what did I do? I pulled that bugger right out to make room for that which matters most. Are you ready for the replacement? Here it is…

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION

I will succeed at anything I attempt to overcome, understand, or master because this statement will allow me to do just that!

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION

I have come too far to accept anything less than success because it is my will to overcome, understand, and master that which has sabotaged my ability to relate to the universe around me!

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION

I refuse to perpetuate the dysfunctional patterns that plagued my former life and those who came before me because I know I can succeed where they failed!

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION 

It is my will to develop a relationship with another because if I can do that with myself, then I know I can do so with those around me.

SUCCESS IS MY ONLY OPTION

We all deserve to enjoy the life that was given to us, and that means we must all strive to succeed. I.e. success is the measure in which an individual obtains happiness, prosperity, and abundance by doing that which they love most on the basis they refrain from depriving others of their ability to achieve the same in life.

Ladies and Gents, Let’s SUCCEED

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