Emotional Unavailability

Howdy y’all! I took a week off because I could, but more importantly I took a break since I needed to catch up on rest and relaxation. Why? Because I said so, that’s why.

So did I accomplish anything during that time? OH YES – via reflection and dropping the ball numerous times in terms of attempting to relate to the opposite sex. You see, I’ve been opening my mind to the notion that dating really isn’t as frightening as I used to think it was. I.e. I needed to spend time hermitting around so I could heal myself enough to even consider developing relations with a gal.

On the other hand, I’m also opening my mind to the possibility of developing friendships because I’ve been going without that for quite some time too. How much time, some of you may ask? To put it simply, ENOUGH.

So what have I been learning as of late? Well it’s right in the title. The fact I’m fairly (as in definitely and understandably so) emotionally unavailable because to be otherwise would simply invite intimacy in one’s life whether they want it there or not. The solution? Don’t connect with others emotionally, and look for ways to jump ship at the slightest infraction.

Believe me when I say this – those aren’t very effective behaviors to employ when trying to develop relationships. Because guess what?! Relationships involve SOME level of intimacy – i.e. closeness to others in the form of anything from sharing close proximity, to sharing one’s weekly “agender,” to sharing one’s experiences (even the grimy ones…especially the grimy ones), and all the way up to bedding another (which is the ultimate form of connecting with another – physically, mentally, and spiritually…the whole shebang).

Now granted no two relationships are the same, and one can certainly share themselves with others without taking them back to their nest so to speak. However, no relationship can function adequately without communication. I mean Hell, even your mind noodle needs to communicate with the rest of your meat sack if the two are ever going to strut their stuff!

So let’s ask that oh so important question:

What is the cause for having such an aversion to connecting with others intimately?

The answer, in fewer words or less, equates to me having associated intimacy with neglect, abuse, and having turds thrown in my punch bowl over the years. I.e. love was conditional, and the shoe always found a way to drop itself lower than the bass in a Skrillex tune. JOKES ABOUND!

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Not to mention the fact it’s really hard to connect with others when you unconsciously believe yourself to be a walking turdcicle. What does that mean? Well it goes along with that Self-Hate post I made not long ago, but don’t worry if you’d prefer not to jump the page. Basically those who have suffered abuse, neglect, and so on typically develop a core belief that envisions the self as TOO (correct usage here) DAMAGED to appeal to anyone or anything in the universe at large.

But are you ready to hear the secret? Come a little closer (intimacy) and I’ll whisper it to you so y’all can share it with everyone else who manages to bump into you. OKAY – no one in their right mind would or should or can judge you for that which happened to you in your past. I.e. it takes a big TURD to be repulsed by another simply because that other SUFFERED abuse, neglect, and so on.

That type of turd doesn’t deserve your time, presence, or energy because you have more value than what they say you have. However, acceptance and validation are two methods of displaying good character as long as that character doesn’t turn around and use that which hurt you to cause you more harm. Now should one be looking for that to happen? NOPE. But if it happens, look elsewhere to connect with others because no one deserves to be treated like garbage for being them.

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In fact, a cool cat at my local gym likened such a scenario to someone judging another for having “big feet.” I.e. that which cannot be readily or easily changed (like having suffered abuse/neglect/etc. in the PAST), should not be judged by anyone or anything.

It’s also important to note that y’all DON’T HAVE TO unload your entire history on others upon first meeting them, and likewise you DON’T HAVE TO set up a confession schedule for any and all to see the skeletons in your closet. Why? Because those skeletons are YOUR BUSINESS and no one else’s. Open that door slightly, quickly, slowly, etc. when you feel comfortable doing so.

But what if you’re unsure? What if you’re AFRAID you’ll compromise a relationship for BEING YOU? Well as I already mentioned – Open that door…when you’re comfortable doing so. But more importantly, gauge the other’s interest by throwing out generic questions like:

Do you know anything about CPTSD?

Have you known anyone who suffered abuse?

What would you think about someone who completely severed ties with their family on the basis that family did not support their healthy growth and development?

AND THEN LISTEN TO THEIR RESPONSE BECAUSE THEIR REACTION WILL TELL YOU WHETHER TO STEP BACK, LEAVE, OR GROW CLOSER.

Want an example? (I’m in a good mood, can’t you tell?)

A: Hey Hannah!

H: Hey Aaron!

A: What’s shakin, bacon?

H: Nothin’ but the salt from my fingertips, you?

A: Oh just stayin’ out of trouble, ya know – the usual!

H: Cool beans.

A: Hey, I have a question for ya.

H: Ask away, you know I’m game.

A: Sweetness. Have you known anyone who suffered abuse?

H: Woah! That’s pretty heavy, can we talk about something else?

A: Sure thing, no worries.

H: Cool.

A: Did you see the latest Spongebob episode?

H: Hell ya, brah!

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Giphy

See that? Hannah obviously wasn’t comfortable discussing such matters, and that’s okay. To each their own! Now later on she could bring it up again (remember that time you asked me about…), but I wouldn’t recommend bringing it up otherwise. Now granted things would be different if the following happened:

A: Hey, I have a question for ya.

H: Ask away, you know I’m game.

A: Sweetness. Have you known anyone who suffered abuse?

H: I have, actually. Why do you ask?

A: I was just curious. Would you be open to discussing that?

H: Sure thing…

Different response from the first – clearly. The conversation would then unfold naturally, and you could obviously share as much or as little as you felt comfortable sharing (depending on how the conversation went). Once again, ACCEPTANCE and VALIDATION go a long way. But no HEALTHY individual will EVER pressure you to divulge more than you’re comfortable sharing.

Apparently that’s how true intimacy unfolds – overtime that is. Relationships worth developing and keeping will take interest in each other, offer respect and never pressure each other, and will openly communicate when things go sour because believe me when I say that things will be weird if you (like me) aren’t use to being around people who practice the aforementioned.

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So the bottom line is that It’s okay to be YOU.

YOU don’t owe the world anything, and no one deserves YOUR presence, time, or energy unless their existence and well-being depends on them (pets and kids for instance).

Enjoy YOUR life because you’re living it now, and welcome others into YOUR life who want to be a part of it.

Why? Because no one is an island onto themselves.

I still have much to learn, but I’m always moving forward and you can to!

Many blessings and baby steps…

Ladies and Gents, You’re Amazing Just The Way You Are

 

Free E-Books (2) covering Narcissism, CPTSD, Healing

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