New Counselor

Howdy Ladies and Gents! I’m glad to say I’ve started seeing a new counselor because I literally got tired of feeling comfortable rejecting potential relationships on the basis I feel extreme fear whenever someone starts getting closer than the average person. But then again, I’ve been working on simply feeling comfortable in my own skin for the past year (as my counselor pointed out – first of multiple good pointers from her).

giphy2
Giphy

That in and of itself is quite a feat for anyone suffering from CPTSD, and I know I don’t even have to go into detail for most of you! For those who don’t know anything about CPTSD, imagine getting up daily knowing that you’re more than likely going to experience a moment of intense withdrawal due to suffering emotional tides so overwhelming that you’d prefer to feel nothing at all. Or better yet, be alone and isolated in a world you fear will never welcome your existence because it’s rejected you since childhood…

Does that sound fun? I’d hope not, but then again I know some people are masochists. In any case, CPTSD sucks and I wouldn’t wish for anyone to have to endure such a rabbit hole for a multitude of reasons. So long story short, I love isolation even though I’ve been growing warmer towards others. Now does that seem contradictory?

giphy
Giphy

In all honesty I’m what they call an INFJ, so needless to say I naturally enjoy solitude because it helps me focus on my thoughts and creative sparks flying in and out of my head so I can at least externalize them for myself (and sometimes for others). If you don’t know what an INFJ is, google it. Back to the new counselor!

So the most important aspect of our first meeting can be summed up in one word – VALIDATION. Oh my, I cannot verbalize how wonderful it is to have met someone who understands the dynamics of narcissism, psychopathy, and abuse as they sit across from you without expressing disbelief in your experiences. Because let’s face it, some survivors run into the issue of “why don’t you just talk it out with your abuser? It’s not like they really mean to hurt you, and they will more than likely change if you express how you feel.”

lucille-portable
Reaction Gifs

We all know how effective that is, right? I mean we wouldn’t be called survivors if we hadn’t already tried that (it doesn’t work by the way because an abuser rarely, if ever, gives two shits how their dysfunction negatively affects you or anyone or anything else for that matter)! In any case, she brought up a couple of points that really hit home and made me feel the FEELS.

First off she mentioned how my bio mom’s action of taking my baby blanket symbolized how that which was constant and offered security and comfort was taken from me by those who were entrusted to offer protection, security, comfort, and so on. I.e. getting close to others risks sacrificing parts of myself that I value and cherish, like my blanket for example. And yes, I still have a blanket and I prefer its companionship to that of another human. So to my future spouse, HANDS OFF THE BLANKET.

Secondly, she mentioned how being triangulated by my former counselor of 5-7 years with my bio mom (shaming me for substance use – weed, LSD, psilocybin, DMT and then comparing me to my bio dad who attempted to rape one of my sisters while he was under the influence of alcohol…ya…) disrupted a relationship I valued and held with high regard. I.e. having the carpet ripped out from under me by none other than the blanket thief herself!

giphy1
Giphy

Thirdly, she mentioned how it sucks to have been ostracized by my estranged family for calling the damnable blanket thief (I’m never letting that one go because I’ll never forget it, and it’s one of the few memories I have from my childhood) out on her shenanigans. I.e. instead of receiving support and comfort from those who should have been in my corner, I was treated like garbage for wanting to discuss how the blanket thief’s actions were taking a toll on my mental and physical well-being. One relative literally said “I don’t like the way you talk about mom.” So when I asked if they’d be willing to discuss my side, they claimed to have heard all they needed to know from the blanket thief herself!

586
Reply Gif

Fourthly and more importantly, she mentioned how my treatment of my kitty resembles how I should have been treated by my caretakers. Now granted (and yes, I told her this like I’ve told y’all) I used to yell at my cat for throwing up, or “bothering” me in any way, shape, or form. But then I realized my own “caretakers” did the same, and I felt a dire need to change because screw dat! Not to mention the fact no one feels great throwing up, so yelling at my cat after the fact was only making him feel worse. However, comforting him and spending time with him whenever I can shows him this world is safe and okay…

So ya, I’m really going to enjoy working alongside this counselor because I know I’ll be reaching new heights concerning growth and development with a bit of her supervision. Why? Because I don’t know what I don’t know, and her putting those things in perspective already showed me that it’s difficult to see the forest from the trees. Especially when you’ve been camping in them as a hermit for the past three years (almost haha).

Without further ado, I’ll leave you with a video she recommended to me concerning VULNERABILITY. It’s a great video, and one thing that really stood out to me is how people who are confident in themselves will invest in a relationship without fearing whether or not it will potentially derail in the future. I.e. something I have problems with because I don’t want to spend time and energy on a relationship if it’s simply going to produce turd sammiches…

Ladies and Gents, let’s get Vulnerable

Free Ebooks (2) Narcissism, CPTSD, Healing

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s