Hey there, everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend, and I sincerely hope you were able to enjoy it among loving company and receptive hearts 🙂 This little monkey spent it with his cat, but we managed to relax and enjoy the weekend in full. Now granted I mentioned in the last post that life had been stressful for a bit, however I’m glad to say that things have been easing up for the past week as we embrace the coming new year.
My counselor surprised me at our last session by refusing to accept my payment before tasking me with using the money to buy something for myself. Why? Well we discussed how I honestly don’t have any fond memories associated with Christmas since the main recollection focuses around my estranged family telling me to pass out gifts to everyone, but I was never proficient enough because inevitably someone would chastise me for moving too slow before telling me to sit on the sideline so they could do a better job.
Not to mention the fact that any gatherings always felt more obligatory than desired since no one really had anything in common with each other, besides the fact we were all related by blood or vow. Plus, a majority of my family had already passed (grandparents) by the time I reached college. So needless to say, holidays were always pretty meh even though I often looked forward to spending time with my aunt and uncle. But regardless of what drew everyone together, I preferred spending time on my computer playing video games or watching YouTube videos as opposed to socializing.
So I made multiple attempts to purchase new jeans after thinking about what I could buy since most of my pants are either holy (lots of rips around the knees), outgrown, or just unworn because I simply don’t enjoy wearing them. Notice the “multiple attempts” because I literally went shopping twice before actually purchasing anything. Why? Well I got really upset the first time since I wasn’t exactly sure what size I needed, and I fit in a range that isn’t represented much on the shelves no matter where I look (30×30 fits decently enough).
Feeling defeated, I decided to call it quits while reminding myself that I should focus on calming myself down instead of blasting myself for not being able to find what I needed. I.e. a pretty harsh and demanding critic slipped through. But then I realized that I have a favorite pair of jeans that could tell me exactly what I needed because they fit well, and I did just that before returning to the battlefield of my own shopping dilemma. After all, there are different styles (bootcut, straight, slim, skinny, etc.) alongside varying sizes, so it can be daunting to select something that will fit after it’s been washed.
Long story short, I found three pairs of pants! I also decided to purchase a lifting belt for when I return to the gym because I had been steadily increasing the amount of weight before taking a much needed break (body started getting sick – buckling from stress produced via work, working out, and life in general). Afterwards I decided to catch a flik before returning home to relax on Christmas Eve, and then I lounged all day Sunday because I could.
I also found something of interest while shopping, and it turns out my dread of shopping failure was directly related to an inner child issue because I envisioned a younger version of me tagging alongside myself and my divine mother. At first he was excited about the venture, but he quickly became indecisive and upset when I faced difficulty finding something I wanted. So I treated the outing as though I was a father being accompanied by his son, and thus I focused on reassuring him that everything would work out.
We ended up discussing what was bothering him, and it turns out he was afraid of being ridiculed for failing to produce something that was desired. I.e. the fear of making a mistake, and in turn causing his “protector” to be furious with him. So I told him that it’s okay to make mistakes and that we shouldn’t fear making them because we wouldn’t have the opportunity to learn from them if we didn’t make them in the first place. Not to mention the fact we can’t succeed or fail if we don’t even make an attempt.
Thus we have the importance of recognizing that we are not defined by failure, but rather how we grow and develop from having missed the mark in the first place. He smiled and I then told him that he was highly courageous for having shared his feelings with another (vulnerability) because it takes bravery to admit what we’re feeling inside as opposed to hiding it from the world. I then told him that I love him before asking what he thought about opening presents on Christmas day without being ridiculed.
Needless to say, he very much enjoyed the idea of spending Christmas with me – a father figure who will support him no matter what to see him grow and prosper. I in turn feel empowered by taking this position with open arms because I know I’m worth it.
Here are a couple of questions for y’all to reflect upon at the very least, although I’d love to see your replies in the comment section below 🙂
What is shopping like for you?
What do the holidays represent for you?
Ladies and Gents, Let’s Roar…