Hey y’all! Man oh man has this year been fun so far, and I’m being perfectly real with you all as opposed to flaunting sarcasm laced with high rates of eye rolling. So what has this little monkey been up to as of late? Plenty, let me tell ya. I’ve been working more and more hours which means I’ve had less time to cause trouble, and more opportunity to pay off that which has been plaguing me for the past year.
Not to mention the fact I’ve been persevering along my path of healing from CPTSD! Although I must give a shout out to my new counselor because it seems as though she always, knowingly or unknowingly, has something to task me with that inevitably leads me to discover something previously hidden about myself. I.e. I keep illuminating that which has remained concealed in shadow, which in turn allows me to heal.
Here’s the most recent example:
We were discussing in our last session how certain parts of the body will be triggered (feeling, sensation, etc.) when a subject is presented to an individual, although one must focus on the trigger in order to begin the process of understanding the association. This occurs because the subconscious records an experience and translates its position on the subject matter by manifesting a physical reaction. Does that make sense? If not, my own experience should clear things up. So here we go!
My trigger was to think about my bio mom and recognize which part of my body responded, and it didn’t take long for me to feel pressure (muscles tightening I presume) around my throat and beneath my jaw line. Now I’m still practicing Kuk Sool (Korean martial arts), so I know from what I’ve learned thus far how simple it is to cut off another’s access to air by constricting their throat. I.e. it’s EXTREMELY vulnerable and could prevent someone from speaking out or BREATHING (functioning) if compromised.
Low and behold it’s easy to surmise that a malignant narcissist would go out of their way to keep their offspring (or anyone for that matter) from speaking out against their BS because they don’t really care for resistance or defiance of any kind. Why? Well as you most of you well know, they’re control freaks who are incapable of admitting they have flaws like the rest of humanity.
So my counselor then suggested I find a memory of a time when my BM (biomom or bowel movement – both are applicable) kept me from speaking my mind since we originally started this subject matter when I professed how I often refrain from speaking my mind, and this is especially true if I notice something attractive about a female. I.e. thinking about complimenting women on their hair, clothing style, etc. (basic stuff that really does appeal to me, even though it’s not my typical focus because someone displaying thoughtfulness or compassion is much hotter than any professional makeup job).
Now why would that be difficult? Well women were mostly emotionally unpredictable from my past, and I usually got beat down emotionally or psychologically whenever I raised my voice in any capacity. So I cognitively recognize not all women are like that dastardly BM because that’d be preposterous! But still, being around the opposite sex often feels like treading a mine field which in turn causes me to shy away.
In any case, I digress! I originally thought to myself: well fuck, I don’t recall anything specific and I’m not sure how to go about this. But then my counselor (I hadn’t even said that LOL) said I could try seeing myself riding a train on its way to an event back in time, and immediately a light bulb went off in the form of this thought: Aha! I have a template, so I can easily do this after all…
So I returned home and got into my meditation mode which I explain more about in my second book entitled Practical Healing: A Guide to Restore Your Life, so I won’t drag out the details in this post since anyone can access it for free (if you’d like to know more that is – link at the bottom of post). So what do I mean by meditation mode? Well I always still my mind by focusing on a place called The Void, which is both timeless and shapeless. I.e. it’s a launch pad that will literally take you to anything, anywhere, or anytime you’d like for a multitude of purposes, but it really helps cool the mind noodle down so you can focus on being still.
I then met up with my DM (divine mother) and we pulled up a pair of recliners before I asked her to help me locate a time when I felt as though BM was constricting my throat. Needless to say, it wasn’t long until we found exactly what I was looking for! I visualized train cars passing quickly even though I couldn’t see any passengers through the windows, but eventually the cars moved so fast that each blended into the next to reveal BM shouting at a much younger me.
Let’s just say I didn’t care to see this, so I immediately rose from my chair and came between BM and my inner child before grabbing BM’s throat and lifting her towards the ceiling of the train car. I then gripped my hand and squeezed even tighter around her throat while yelling “How does this feel?! Do you like that?! Do you enjoy that?! How DARE you treat me like garbage!” BM obviously didn’t care for that one bit (mainly because I was standing up to her shenanigans), so she started writhing and latching onto my body in order to cause me harm.
Thankfully my DM was there because it didn’t take long for her to snatch BM and make the monster disappear (at least that’s the civil way of putting it). I then focused on helping my inner child, who was cowering while attempting to remove a series of chains from around his neck. I then removed the chains and he screamed like a banshee “Why would she hurt me?! All I wanted was LOVE!!!” I calmed him down before taking him to my healing chamber (also detailed in my second book), where he could spend time with my DP’s (divine parents) to receive the love he never did while growing up under the boot of an abuser.
So what was the end result? I mean, did all of that visualization ACTUALLY do anything? The short answer is YES. Why? Because the subconscious understands the universe through something called SYMBOLISM, and thus causes the body to alter itself when the programming of the subconscious is changed. In other words, it’s great to THINK positive and always look on the bright side of things. But it’s even more EFFECTIVE to believe that line of thinking before you even think it.
Now this is difficult for those who were raised in abusive households because they often got a daily dose of put downs (myself included), but thankfully the script can be changed to accept a better alternative. So one last thing before I leave you for the time being, and that’s obviously WHAT CHANGED? Well my voice box feels more relaxed than ever, I’ve been singing more frequently when I’m alone or even around others, and I’ve been speaking up more often when something comes to mind. Now how long have I been experiencing this new change? So far, a week!
Change is possible.
Change is worth it.
Ladies and Gents, Let’s Sing in the Da Rain!